Going 8 Years With All the Humps and Bumps Along the Way

Edwin and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary on November 15.  At 3 pm 7 years ago, I vowed to love and hold, in richness and in poor, in sickness and in health, till death Edwin and I do part.  I don't remember much of the ceremony because my mind was too preoccupied with wedding worries and mentally counting if the number of guests who came are within our budget.  No wonder rich brides hire wedding coordinators and pass to them the hassles of the preparations.  Simple brides like I was then took on the challenges of the preparations like a kamikaze warrior.  But grand weddings do not equate happy endings.  The expensive wedding video cannot hold captive the appreciation of suffering marriages.  Better make the wedding simple so that the stress of the wedding do not stress the actual marriage.

The precana seminars bulleted the stages of marriage quite perfectly.  The first stage we all agree is honeymoon.  The period of bliss and happiness.  Where burnt hotdogs and soggy vegetables are acceptable and does not get you in hot water.  When the honeymoon stage is over, misery follows.  We become miserable because couples fall into a pattern.  We do not have time for each other because our time is consumed by work, taking care of the children and from keeping ourselves sane.  When we do not address misery, hurt and anger set in.  We fight over things we deem important when they are not.  We fight because the other did not pay cepalco and got the electricity cut.  We fight because the husband got so used to seeing the wife around that she became the cabinet .  When we have used up all our energies and nothing is left but acceptance.  When we have accepted, we begin to trust and love again.

Edwin and I have gone past the honeymoon stage and we are on the next volatile stage.  Our marriage is showing signs of strains and the many stresses we have been through.  I told Edwin last night that I miss the talks we used to have when the world was still dark and the night has kept the worries for the next day at bay.      We still have many years to go and I hope to spend each year in anticipation of the next.  A friend of mine said that when the initial glitters has faded, real love sets in.  I hope your right, Tan.

Being Poor Is A Bitch

I used to think that when I get my degree and get a job, I'd be one of those yuppies I read in books and magazines whose careers take them around the world and conquer it.  Yep I got my degree and I got a job but I did not conquer the world.  I haven't even been outside the country and the travels in a few places around the country were not I would call dazzling or remotely conquering.  And the pay is the usual government low.  In sum, my career sucks and I'm poor with debts accumulated through the years bringing me lower.

Edwin would say that I have low EQ when I start to grumble and envy my friends who have careers that are to die for.  I'm not worldly and I am best at home but there are times that I want to go out with friends and family but can't because it would be better to save the cost for milk, fish, meat and other necessities.  Having no money is such a bitch and it becomes worst when there are health emergencies and there are no food to eat.  When I gave birth I promised to provide everything for my child but it looks like that I'm reneging on my promise.  Simply because there is not enough money for even the basic necessities.  The phrase "Isang Kahig Isang Tuka" literally describes what is happening. 

And yet there are people like me in government service that are receiving more than a whole division.  I don't how they can wake up each day and face the mirror when a lot of us had to resort to borrowing money with usurious interest from Bombays because our salaries are not enough to provide for our children.  Being poor is really is a bitch.

On the Road Again

I have a full schedule for the next 2 weeks to catch up with MRDP backlog activities.  I'll be on the road most of the next 2 weeks to conduct trainings and focus group discussions.  I don't know if I can do all the planned activities but I refuse to score 0 in the World Bank Mission Review report.  Call it pride but I want to stand up confident during the Mission Review because I've accomplished something.  RPCO 10 have always been praised by previous review missions because of the number of project accomplishments.  And to score 0 this September is like a slap in the face.

Aside from my stressful work schedule, I have also been unhappy since Monday because I am not Edwin's most favorite person right now.  Edwin and I had a misunderstanding last Monday night all because of pancit.  Mama Lil ordered pancit canton guisado for her apos and gave it to Edwin when he drove them home.  When Edwin got back from Camaman-an, he gave the pancit to me and left for baskeball practice.  He thought I went home ahead so that the kids can enjoy the pancit pasalubong.  But I was still in the office working.  When he got back from practice, he said something about the pancit that got my sensibilities haywired and I reacted.  Suffice to say, he did not like my reaction and said so and that got me defending myself again and made both of us angry.  I slept alone in our bed that night.  We are not on speaking terms since then.    They say arguments add spice to marriage life but when arguments make you sleep alone at nigh without the hugs and kisses, I'd rather not have any kind of spices on my marriage.

Enjoying the Holiday

It's Friday and its a holiday.  Hurray!!!I came home from Davao late last night.  Long road trips are tiresome and this is one of those trips.  The trip took longer than we expected because of unnecessary stops.  It was good that after the BUDA Quarantine stop, our team decided to go ahead rather than wait for the other vehicle in our convoy. Taking stress-laden work travels always make me long for home as soon as I get to the workshop venue.  Although I often grumble and complain on this and that, I always do my part and follow through my commitment for the project.  Even my Director commented that I am very passionate with the project.

I enjoy traveling especially if its paid by the office.  Although the work when you get to the destination is stressful, being away from the 4 corners of the office is a relief.  I've limited my travels to conduct of trainings and less on project monitoring because of Gabby.  I want to be home for the kids as much as I can.  Before I got pregnant last year, I'm often on the road Monday to Friday and whenever I get home on Friday nights, I marvel on my kids' progress and feel guilty of all the new things that I missed.  I got the chance to see Gabby use the walker this morning and saw how delighted she is with the contraption.  My children are growing up so fast and everyday Edwin and I miss a part of their development.  The price we pay for working parents.

Although its a holiday, Edwin is at work for the early part of the morning to meet JSR at the airport.  The downside of  being in government service is that you are not exempted from working on a holiday or the weekends.  True civil servants are over worked,  underpaid and over taxed.  Senate hearings on the extravagant GOCC bonuses and salaries make me sad because our meager incentives in the office have to go through strict audit and review by COA and these incentives are taxed accordingly so that we cannot be accused of cheating the government.  But here comes these GOCC executives who do not feel any remorse from receiving extravagant bonuses while the rest of the Filipino people suffer in poverty and in hunger.

Its already lunch and I haven't cooked yet.  Better end my blog.

Sleeping Alone

Edwin left for Misamis Occidental yesterday and will be away for the next 3 days.  I was surprised when he told he will be on travel because he did not bring any clothes to the office when we left the house.  He said he was just informed of the trip when we arrived in the office.  The last time Edwin was away for more than a day was last year and I got used to having him home everyday.  I felt like bawling in tears when he left.  My only solace is that is also felt the same.  You see, Edwin and I are "as one".  We do things together and we are inseparable.  We hold hands and kiss and are practically glued to each other.  My friend, Butyak, often comments that I should learn to be independent of Edwin.  It's hard to believe that before I met and married Edwin, I was used to doing things by myself.  Growing up as the middle child made me very independent and self-reliant.  But I found co-dependence in Edwin because no marriage will work without it.  Though, I have to admit that I seem to be leaning into Edwin more and more. 

I usually manage my loneliness well during office hours because work occupies most of my time but the nights are the toughest.  When I got home last night, the children asked where Edwin is and I felt like crying again.  When the children fell asleep, that left me alone with my thoughts and my loneliness.  I could not sleep and my depression about the rationalization aggravated my insomnia.  I decided to make a list of our pressing bills to bore me but listing them down depressed me more because we do not have the cash to pay the bills.  Again, being poor is such a bitch.  The good thing about my insomnia is that I'm awake early and I got to cook early and not be pressed for time.  Edwin got to call early and Ate woke up just to talk to him.  I am not so looking forward to another lonely night tonight.

Anxieties over Rationalization

I thought that when the Rationalization Plan will be implemented in my office, I will have the chance to be promoted to a higher position.  Instead the constant revisions and changes in the organogram resulted in my displacement because the Planning Division positions were not enough for all the present staff.  It was fortunate that my plantilla was originally with AMAD and I was placed to my original division.  Although I am ecstatic that I will be working with Jenny and Butyak in AMAD, I will feel like an outsider because for how many years I have been with PD.  But I do not back down from a challenge and working with people instead of numbers for a change will be refreshing.  Other employees also share my sentiments because a number of us will be displaced.  What is depressing is that for now we will retain our present positions and unless we pass the Aggie Licensure Exam, we cannot be promoted.  Gone are my dreams of better finances.

There is also the possibility of Edwin being booted out of DA when the plan is implemented because he is not a college graduate.  Honestly, Edwin and I have mixed feelings about it.  For sure, we will lose Edwin's much needed salary and the money to pay for our DAMPC and GSIS debts.  But Edwin will be freed from the anxieties and demands of bosses and he won't have to be subjected to certain abuses of authority.  You see, Edwin is much too kind for the evils of authority.  I want to shield him from those who want to take advantage of his kindness.  I'd want to suffer those evils for him and keep him safe. Love will then be my armor.

Edwin and I even share jokes about his possible exit from DA.  I'm fortunate that Edwin is skilled and does well with his hands.  I bet he can earn more than his present salary if take in repair jobs.  He is even eager to start our carenderia and spare parts planned business because he won't be limited anymore by the demands of the office.  Edwin will be readily available to the kids who are competing with me for his attention.  Even Gabby is into the fray. 

Edwin and I are both positive that even if the DA door closes, God will open a window.  I am praying that this window will even be bigger than the door.  We will rise above all the challenges and come out much more stronger and probably more financially secure.

Finding Hilarity in Tragedy

Finding hilarity is the last thing we ought to find in the Quirino Grandstand tragedy.  But unfortunately our policemen were put into embarrassing light as local and international media covered live the hostage taking.  The coverage showed our policemen surrounding the bus looking inept and totally hilarious in their futile attempts to open the front door with the hammer, and loosing the hammer because the policeman was too scared to properly pound the door.  The bloodshed and death of innocent lives should not have happened if our country's police force was more adept in handling situations that required not only the skill in shooting someone but also on calm negotiation. As they say, brandishing swords do not win a war but a battle. 

Innocent lives wasted. Innocent people caught in the crossfire of a man's quest for justice denied to him.  A decorated policeman pushed to his limits by the system.  So sad that Capt Mendoza had to resort to criminal means just to get a slim chance of review of his case.  I doubt if Ombudsman Gutierrez will follow through her promise to review Capt Mendoza's case.  So sad that Capt Mendoza's family will suffer the consequences of his actions.  By next week, everyone else would forget this tragedy and another tragedy will replace this and the cycle goes on. 

Migraines and Insomnia

I believe my hypertension is back again with a vengeance.  I not only believe it but I can very well feel it.  The reoccurring migraines is just one of the signs of my hypertension.  Not being able to sleep is another.  I went to Polymedic Hospital this afternoon to have my check up but Dr. Co is not around.  I will have to suffer another night of pain and sleeplessness.  Edwin is worried for me because I might go into another round of relapse.

We celebrated Mama Virgie's 60th birthday yesterday.  Rusty won P26,000 from lotto using Mama Virgie's age and birthdate.  We believe that Mama Virgie had a hand in his winning and Rusty used his advance-winnings to buy lechon, kinilaw and grilled fish.  Everybody in the compound, even my Sacote family, partook in Mama Virgie's birthday bash.  After the food preparations, a number of us went to Forest Lake to visit Mama Virgie's grave and had a good laugh over Auntie Lorna's antics.  It was a good thing that Edwin chopped the lechon before it was served because it would have created a frenzy.  The serving table was like a typhoon aftermath.