Longing to be Home

Edwin and I are still in NOMIARC and since the midyear review went well into the night, a lot of us are sleepy and haggard. I'm even surprised I'm still awake. Ate Llani asked Edwin to check on a jeep she wants to buy. I told her to wait for us when get back to CDO because from what she told me yesterday, it may not be agood buy. Anyways, I want to go home and bond with my daughters. I'm off to Mis Occ. tomorrow and won't be back until Friday. I'll miss Edwin and the kids and although I enjoy doing lectures with our MRDP barangay beneficiaries, going home is what I think of when I step out of the house.

The group is enjoying a short dance exercise courtesy of Ate Chona and Ate Joy. The heated argument last night on Procurement continued this morning what with everyone on the attack and on the defense. It's so frustrating to hear them argue on points that they all both seem to know too much yet don't know anything at all. The lot of us who seemed to have been lost in the arguments are either too sleepy or just don't care.

Dinner

The dinner bell just sounded and the aroma from the lechon sitting on the side is inviting all those who are hungry and not so hungry to the table. I can skip dinner what with all the food that my stomach is still tying to digest since last week. If I'm not pregnant then my appetite is just abnormal and the only explanation for this excesses is that I'm trying to kill myself through gluttony. What a horrible thought. I think I'll just eat the fruit dessert and limit myself to soup.

After dinner, the session will continue as there was a change in the plan for the activity. We may go well into the night and hold the "socials" after all the chosen units have presented. It would be nice to go to the dorm and sleep because the temperature calls for a warm snuggle with a much warmer body. Unfortunately, Edwin and I can't sleep together so I will just have to content myself with hugging him before going to sleep.

Gluttony

I'm sleepy. In fact, I slept through the whole SONA. I ate too much sweet potato, kinilaw and shrimp paste. I was not actually hungry since my lunch was also short of gluttony but when I saw the food, my stomach took over and the rest followed. My so called diet flew out of the window as it did last week at Harbor Lights. My stomach is already grossly protruding because of the amount of food I have been consuming since last week.

The temperature here in NOMIARC is starting to drop as the evening approaches. Edwin is still probably at the next office playing chess with Elmer. The day will pass without him knowing it so engrossed with playing chess. My stomach is rumbling and its threatening to rally in protest because of the food excesses. I think I will be seeking out the comforts of the toilet in a few minutes.

Midyear Review at NOMIARC

Edwin and I left very early this morning for Malaybalay City. The office is conducting the 2009 midyear performance review in NOMIARC and we are off to Dalwangan for the next 2 days. Although traveling with Edwin is a novelty but with both of us on travel, the kids will be alone and lonely. It was so hard to leave them while they were still asleep. I bet Ate went looking for us when she woke up.

The weather here in NOMIARC is cold and staying awake through the presentations is a chore. The cold, clean air is so different from the smog of the city. We will be taking a break at 3pm to listen to Pres GMAs SONA. The session will resume after the SONA and if we have to extend through the night to finish the presentations, cocktails will have to be served. The men are looking forward to a drinking session later on to counter the cold. I hope edwin and I could call Grace to check on the kids. I miss them already.

Work and Socials Series

Its our third day now in the Rice e-reporting here in Harbor Lights hotel. The workshop still has one more day to go. Like the first night, we again had "socials" last night complete with DIs. But at least last night, I had the chance to sing a few songs because there was a lull in the dancing. It was short because the ladies were more inclined to dance. I also got to dance swing with Jojo. It was nice and I think I did okay. I love to dance and sing but not ballroom dancing because I don't have the flair for it. Swing and cha2x I can manage but the rest are alien to me. I was content to watch Chona and the others circle the ballroom with Romy and Jojo.

I'm dreading my Saturday check up. The result will drastically change my life for the next 9 months. I don't want to be confined in the office and not get to travel. These past few months found me often on the road and in project sites for the MRDP monitoring and evaluation. Project sites are located all over the 4 provinces and most of the time, much is spent getting to the site. The time away from the office gave me a chance to renew ties with the MLGUs and visit familiar places.

I find myself praying that the check up is negative because if is not, not being able to travel will be the least of my worries.

Socials ala PMES

The lights are dimmed to bedroom darkness and the atmosphere starts to relax. No, this is not a prelude to a sexual encounter but an opening salvo into...ballroom dancing. Dinner is over and the waiters excitedly prepare the tables for the cocktails menu. The two dancing instructors don their black attires and put on their dancing shoes. The music starts to play and the opening lines of a tango fills the air. The "socials" has just began and the PMES ladies are at the frontlines.

After 2 tangos and a few swing, the dancers form their lines to do a group dance akin to Boyet's line dancing. Boyet is our favorite DI from Fit N Dance but since he's busy, Romy and Jojo gladly fill up his post. Even the boys eagerly dance to the upbeat tune and do some exercise. As expected, Ate Chona leads the group with her enthusiam and passion for dancing and "socials". There is never a dull "socials" moment with Ate Chona on the forefront. Got to go coz the music is beckoning me and the floor is my stage.
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Shivering

I have to give HarborLites credit for a very efficient airconditioning system. Elmer (our PPS contractual) and I had to run to the hotel lobby to warm ourselves because we were in danger of freezing our asses off inside the ballroom. I pity the participants who have to bear the cold in the room. The freezing temperature also has its good points. One being that the room has to be cold so as not to overheat the almost 30 desktop and laptop units the participants are using. The cold also makes us visit the comfort rooms often thus keeping our kidneys healthy. But the cold also makes me feel like a bear in hibernation, meaning I want to burrow in a corner and sleep till summer.

Work and Pleasure at HarborLights Hotel

Although my scheduled trip to Mis Occ was deferred, I have both work and pleasure here in HarborLights Hotel until Friday. Work because I have to prepare and present the MNCIADP e-reporting format on Thursday and Friday. Pleasure because we will have every night socials activity for each batch of participants. We at the PMES are well-known for "socials" because we have dancing instructors and ballroom dancing. The first batch is for the rice municipal report officers of the Province of Bukidnon, Camiguin and Lanao del Norte. Tomorrow are the report officers of Misamis Occidental and Misamis Oriental.

Edwin is still in NOMIARC for the Cabinet meeting. Sleeping without Edwin is lonely and even the kids feel the loneliness. We huddle close and hug each other as a way of comforting our longing for Edwin. May be thats why God has not yet granted my wish for either Edwin or I to work overseas because the separation and loneliness will be too much for us and the kids. I still cry at some nights when Edwin goes on lengthened travels. At times, the kids and I take turns in crying. Leilalia is specially affected when one of us goes on travels because she's too mature for her age and questions why we have to go on travels and leave them.e It hurts because we parents sacrifice too much to be able to provide for our families. As I said before, we can't have our cake and eat it too.

Making Do and Tearful Goodbyes

Edwin left for Malaybalay City after lunch and I had to stay in the office because my travel plans did not push through (read previous blog-Disrupted Schedules why I have to stay). After feeling bad about it and grumbling about it, I reasoned out that God probably did not want me to go. Yup the answer came in a text message. Jepoy, my travelmate, had asthma attack and won't be able to make the trip if it did push through. Sometimes I forget that there is a higher being that rules the world and that He has his won schedule on when the time is right for anything and everything.

Edwin was glad that I won't be going to Mis Occ because the kids will be feeling lonely with both of us away for 2 nights. It broke my heart this morning when I had to leave for the office with Jianna crying. I almost cried myself when I heard her calling me when Edwin and I left. How I envy mothers or fathers who stay home to take care of the children. I even get jealous with Grace, our yaya, because Jianna and Ate listen to her more attentively and she gets to spend most of the day with the kids. As they say, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Disrupted Schedules

I'm supposed to leave to for Misamis Occidental in a few hours but because PGMA had in mind to hold her cabinet meeting in Mindanao, my schedule went amok. My director had all vehicles put on standby including the one I will be using to go to Mis Occ. Even my program coordinator can only shrug and say that he does not have any say on the matter. I'm in a foul mood and its not even lunch yet. My blood pressure's probably up.

Rushes

Its Friday afternoon and last minute, urgent, ASAP, important works are rushing to my desk. Deadlines are already dead and I have to catch up. It's a good thing that I still haven't lose my cool and I'm still singing and dancing.

Thanks God its Friday and tomorrow is time for rest and for my children.

Food Cravings and Pills

I'm not only a food lover, I'm a food addict. I wrote in my previous blogs that I've been trying to lose weight. Well, unfortunately I'm slipping into my old habit of eating anything on site. Just yesterday, my lunch could feed 3 people and that does not include the 3 kinds of desserts I hoarded from the caterer. Ghastly and horrendous!

I blame my weight gain to the birth control pills I've been taking again. Edwin and I decided that me getting pregnant right now will strain our meager budget. And because we both can't get our hands off each other, and other parts of our anatomy, I had to resort to BCP. After consuming 1 pack, I noticed drastic changes both in weight and in inches. I have a short fuse and I easily get irritated and my temper is affecting Edwin and my children. I need to go to Dr. Chiu and consult with him on a better alternative on birth control.

For now, I just have to bear the pills a bit longer.

God Provides

I'd like to think that I'm a good provider. I work for my family and my hard-earned money provides food on the table, home, and other necessities. But even put together, Edwin's income and mine just cannot meet our financial needs. Heart breaking as it might be, we have to resort to taking out loans and borrowing cash from family. They say when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. The tough does get going because retreat is not option, sacrificing your children's needs is not an option. But God does provide. I have to say it often to myself out loud so that I don't forget. There are times that I become too proud of my own worth and accomplishments that I disillusioned myself into believing that I am god, that I only can provide for my family. No wonder pride is one of deadly sins.

But the all knowing and merciful God has a way of making me realize my fault and humbles me in His own way. He then simply shows me that He alone can provide for all our needs, both the worldly kind and the needs that cannot be found in grocery shelves. God provides, all the time.

Lazy Mornings

It rained again last night and this morning. Though rainy cold mornings are never my forte, there is something about waking up to it that makes you want to snuggle deeper into a pillow and cover your head head with a warm blanket. But a warm body will make a better heater.

But cold mornings also make waking up difficult and taking a bath then requires boiled water. But when its a weekend, I just want to be plain lazy and refuse to budge from bed.

Civil Servant

I've been working for the Department of Agriculture as a permanent employee for almost 7 years now excluding the 2 years as a contract of service worker. Working in the government has its own highs and lows. There are times that I regret working for DA because the intrigues in the office can be much more cruel and daunting than the actual work pressure. My blood pressure shoot up to 140/100 2 years ago because I handled the pressure badly. Bosses can be demanding and deadlines are sure ways to pressure employees into working well into dawn to meet it. It was a good thing that I relented to Edwin's request to have a check up because it saved my life. My doctor told me that if I went on with the increasing stress, I might just find myself collapsing on the floor dead.

Private companies are in a way like government. When I used to work for the Mindanao Burley Corporation in General Santos City, pressures of meeting production and area targets haunted me even in my sleep. Although the pay during that time bordered on labor exploitation, I enjoyed the work because for me it was an adventure and being with my contract growers made me feel part of the land. Barrio Siete in Marbel, South Cotabato was my area then and I fell in love with the place. My parents wanted me to quit out of fear for my safety but I pleaded with them that I stay for a few more months. I left when I felt that I've experienced and seen enough. And also because I cannot afford anymore to stay because the pay was more than lousy.

After passing the civil service exam, I tried my luck with DA and got stucked, literally. The "freeze hiring" policy prevented me from getting a higher position but it did not prevent demands from piling. If there was one good thing that came out of my DA employment, its meeting and loving Edwin and the rest they say is history. I also get to travel around the country for free during trainings and seminars that are held anywhere in the Philippines. I guess I am dismayed because there are few opportunities for personal growth in DA because there are protocols that you have to adhere to. Trainings also for skills development and opportunities for added knowledge are few and limited only to bosses.

But the saddest part is when civil servants become to complacent and has served the bureacracy too long that they fall into habits of gossip, intrigue, laziness, procastination, and lose the fire within them.

Monday Bues, et al

Mondays are never my days. Monday mornings are hectic and stressful and prone to disagreements. And almost always, Edwin and I have our disagreements on a Monday because Edwin gets testy and irritable if he arrives late in the office on a Monday. And almost always, my laziness and grogginess during Monday mornings are sure reasons for him being late.

Whoever wrote the song "Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down" probably can use me as a model. Rainy days also get me down because the rains and the cold make me feel blue and I start to feel depressed. I also don't like too much sun because it heats up my temper and make me do nasty irrational things. I also look ugly in glaring sunlight and the rain makes me look like a drowned chick. Or just to be honest, I look ugly in any weather.

Early mornings are not also my style because my mind does not function well until 6 am or after coffee and pandesal. That's why traveling at dawn usually causes problems for me. I get irritated when people bother me when I'm asleep. Edwin has learned to curb his early dawn sexual appetite because I don't wake up even for a delicious tumble in bed. But I reward him most satisfyingly if he can wait until my sex alarm clock rings up.

Tired, Feeling Old

I just came to a startling conclusion. I am old. I do not only feel old but I also look old.

The stress brought by work pressure has gotten to me and the constant battle of money troubles is making me feel depressed. Edwin told me while we were on our way to work this morning that my eyes have lost their sparkle and my movements were slow and totally opposite my usual self. I used to cover my problems and depressions with lots of smiles and laughs but lately, its getting harder to pretend that everything is okay and just dandy.

I easily get angry even with Edwin and the kids and its making me feel guilty because my loved ones do not deserve my anger. People at work are demanding a lot from me and the pressure of trying to meet their expectations is taking its toll on my health and well-being. Sometimes, I wish I can just drop everything and escape to a cave where I can rest and re-evaluate my life. I envy those that seem to breeze through life's hardships. Admittedly, my faith has not been as strong as before because I often forget to entrust to God my life and all its hardships and joys. It's just so hard to let go but deep inside I know that when I let go, I also let go of my troubles.

Money Troubles

Edwin and I had one of our rare heart to heart talks last Friday night. Rare because Edwin and I can talk about anything and everything under the sun but not the topics that really matter. Our marriage is one. Money is another. And last Friday, I found out that our marriage was never immune to the money problems that plague normal marriages. Oh, Edwin and I have money troubles just like any other couple but I never thought that "it" might become "THE PROBLEM". I never used to have problems with money because I refuse to make it so. I have work, income and financial support of my parents. Things were easy on the first few years of our marriage because we only have Leilalia to spend our money with. But the frequent confinement in the hospital during our daughter's 2 years of life drained our finances and we had to take out loans to cover expenses. Then Jianna came along and the expenses got steeper. It has become difficult to make ends meet and we have to rely on DAMPC to cover most of our living expenses. It is good that Edwin and I have TEVs and honorariums from projects to augment our income. But oftentimes, I have to ask my parents or sister for some money to buy even Jianna's milk. Life has become so hard and we have tightened our belts to the last hole. Much as I want to provide my children all the beautiful things they deserve, I simply do not have the money to do so.

To find out that Edwin's reason for his erratic temperament of late is my mentioning of money problems hurt me so much. At first, I was dumbfounded because he thought that I have been spending too much where we should be saving. Whatever extra money we have I always make sure that it is spent for food and other necessities. I don't care about fashion or gadgets and I can make do with secondhand clothes or "ukay2x". But it would seem that I have not been saving at all. It's startling to find out that for all my advice to Hya on frugality and money management, I, myself, is guilty of the things I have been preaching. There was a time in 2007 that even in my sleep I worry about money and when morning come, I still have not found a solution. I became so haggard from lack of sleep that there was no other way but to accept it. It is in my acceptance of the inevitable that I found peace and finally sleep.

After Friday night, Edwin and I have reached an understanding. If we have been frugal before, we need to be more frugal today. To learn to appreciate what we have now and not look or long for something better when it is not feasible to do so, yet.

Trips

I just arrived from Magsaysay and Gingoog City, Misamis Oriental after 2 days of MRDP travel. MRDP or the Mindanao Rural Development Program is a targeted poverty reduction program of the Department of Agriculture and the World Bank for the rural poor, women and indigenous communities of Mindanao. Fund sources of the program come from a loan from the World Bank by the Government of the Philippines but the projects of the program are availed only by the people of Mindanao. The projects funded by MRDP are rural infrastructure, community livelihood and natural resource management.

I used to feel nonchalant about the program because I felt it is just one of the many programs of the government that will leave no impact on the lives of the people it hopes to serve. But I've changed my views bout it last February when I got to personally talk with one of the beneficiaries at Linamon, Lanao del Norte. The women's association is a recipient of the CFAD or Community Find for Agri Development. They were given funds to establish their own broiler production project to increase their income and help other members of the association who were without means to support themselves. The broiler chicks were thriving so well under the care of the women that Magnolia offered the association a chance to be one of their contract growers. The project not only gave the women additional income but also boosted their confidence to take on a business venture. There are others like the women that were also greatly helped by the program and I've meet some of them and heard their stories.

I guess when you are in government like me, you tend to be cynical of the programs because of previous failed experiences. This time, the MRDP would like to instill a culture of "NO FAILURE BUT ONLY SUCCESS" among the beneficiaries so that they can improve their lives and others and grow even without the support of the government.